14 july, 2000

oh goddess it has been way too long since i’ve written. i’ve just been reading back over all the other entries and i can honestly say that i am 100% over alan. now, the question is, who am i on to now?...

i want to just pack up my shit and leave for gw right now, but at the same time, i have to wonder if i’m really ready for a transition that big at this point in my life. i mean, glenn just died 2 1/2 months ago and kerri moved out and i left usn and maggie went to colorado and i’m leaving serena and victoria and i don’t know anybody there well enough to expose this overly dramatic life to but i am sortof involved with this chris guy and there is always farren and mary jo, but i don’t really know them at all and they might turn out to be awful people and i really just don’t think i’m ready for this at all right now.

i mean, yes, i know i’m a hell of a lot more ready for the real world than a lot of other people, but at the same time, there’s only so much of reality that one can deal with at one time, so i guess maybe this is the breaking point. i want to just retreat back into my music half of the time, and i guess that since i got a double in thurston, i might be able to do that every now and again, especially if whoever my roommate is has a lot of early classes because most of mine are late ones and i didn’t get stuck with anything on fridays so i guess that’s good. i’m just so fucking scared that if it doesn’t work out i’ll have lost it all and that i’ll never get a chance to have it all the way it used to be because it’s already too late.

anyway, i guess i don’t really have a choice and so i might as well just get ready to go and make the best of it and “dare to suck” [credit to pg13]. i guess i’ll work for another four weeks or so and then i’ll have to quit so i can have a week to pull all my shit together. i have to pack and buy new stuff and get a cd player and get my laptop fixed [internet access issues] and say goodbye to everybody and get everybody’s email and phone #s and addresses and go by usn for a while and blah blah blah blah blah.

first and foremost, i need to make some money, so i guess work becomes a number one priority right now. i’ve also got to figure out how i’m going to work out my transfer to tyson station in dc since dan talked with the manager and she said it was fine. all my coworkers seem to be leaving anyway, so i don’t want to get too involved. of course, the only real reason why i’m trying to make money is so that i can spend it, and that doesn’t do me much good, but oh well. just fuck it, it’s not like any of it really matters anyway.

well i think i’m gonna have a cigarette and go to bed, so gnite.